Today is the day! Today I have chosen to no longer smoke! So I ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WORLD! And people run a quick good for you and congrats…. And then they move on.. good for me? That’s its? This is a BIG DEAL PEOPLE!! Today I have to change my life!! Today everything changes and no one cares! How did this happen??

Whatever, my mind is made up… with or without anyone’s support I am going to quit smoking. After all, it is killing me, making me tired, slowing me down, affecting my breathing, affecting my physique and my overall health (I often smoke instead of eating and drastically reduce my calorie intake which when you are barely eating enough calories as it is, puts your body into starvation mode causing your body to store fat rather than burn it… SUCKS)… and today is the day…

Ok, it may only be 10 am but I am on a roll… and almost 12 hours since my last cigarette. And having the rest of the day scheduled and busy, I don’t currently foresee any situations I can’t handle or conquer… I GOT THIS!!

And now its 12:23pm, and I am DYING!! I just ate lunch, seriously… something I have to do for the rest of my life… and I want to punch people in the face for coming near me.. or perhaps just looking at me. I’m feeling judgement (that isn’t there), I’m feeling frustration cuz only 2 hours and 23 minutes ago , I HAD THIS… what the hell happened? UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

FUCK IT! I’m not punching anyone but I can’t keep doing this misery so I am going back to work..

4:53pm and I am leaving work. I have just hit rock bottom.. I AM GOING TO CRY! I am driving to grab my kids from daycare and I would be smoking on any other day… WHY IS TODAY THE DAY? WHAT REASON WAS I QUITTING FOR? WHY AM I NOT SMOKING RIGHT NOW? I know, if you don’t smoke you don’t get this… People who have never been below zero don’t understand how hard it is to be in negative territory, neither do you until you are trying to get back up! When the withdrawal symptom kicks in and EVERY excuse becomes a good one to smoke and there is NOT ONE GOOD REASON not to smoke at this point… now is the moment of truth… now is the time you are being tested… (this happens 12-18 hours after your last dose)

I rush the kids out of daycare, barely acknowledging any other mother or daycare worker because I just need get out of there.  Now I have my kids and I am annoyed at them… and they haven’t done ANYTHING.. but I am not being reasonable at this point… so we need to get home… cuz dinner will distract me…

I am doing fantastic, not focused on it, distracted making dinner, kids and I are enjoying each other. And then… WE EAT… again I need to rush the kids into the tub because otherwise we may have the cops called because they exist and I am trying to quit smoking… WHYYYYYYYY?????

Finally, bed time for the kids (who on any other day I would say were behaving wonderfully)… I walk down the stairs feeling relieved, drained and a tiny bit defeated. I fall into the couch and begin searching for something to entertain me on TV. I randomly catch myself at the fridge looking into it trying to make something appear… I close the door and go back to the couch, only to return again at the fridge with it open searching for NOTHING..

You would think by this point I would see what everyone else sees but I don’t.. I’m still struggling to get myself to feel normal…

It’s 10pm… and I can’t do it anymore… The first day was DIFFICULT but it is OVER… Thank god for that. Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow has to be easier than today. And of course each day becomes easier as we create a new routine.

The thing with this particular change is that there is no BIG REWARD waiting for you on the other side. There will be things changing but not things you may notice or really care about when the habit and or withdrawal symptom kicks in.

The things happening to me (with or without aids of any sort) during this day were very common in smokers.

First, remember people don’t understand unless they have been in your shoes and really how many people do you let try on your shoes? Haha but really. So find a way to create a reward for quitting smoking such as putting away the $12 per day you were spending (or maybe a more reasonable $6 because things can get rough but we would find the money for smokes) and take yourself on a trip? Or save up a down payment for a car or home? Spa treatments? Tools or toys?

The entire day when I wasn’t focused or distracted, I would let my thoughts of cigarettes come in, and telling myself not to think about it was not helping… in fact, it made me more focused on it than I would otherwise have been because I was trying NOT to think about it.  HABITS ARE A BITCH.

I was being triggered by driving, eating, stress, coffee (I don’t drink but many people will say alcohol as well) and if it wasn’t that it was ALWAYS boredom! Keeping myself distracted or increasing my heart rate were my key “go to’s” when I was struggling with these habits.

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